Stay with me here.
A few days ago Katie and I were just minding our own business while grocery shopping. Our cart was being filled with all types of boring, non-cheddar and onion lays potato chips that Katie won’t let me eat because I’ll get fat – items, when a voice sounded from the speakers above.
“If anyone is interested in free things, come to the meat counter for a demonstration.”
It just so happens that I’m very interested in free things. So I grab Katie and say to her, “Yo babe, shake a leg, I want to beat that old lady over there to the free stuffs.”
Power walking there, we see a lady standing next to a red velvet cape covered mound of my mystery spoils.
Best of all, she has a portable mic and speaker. This is going to be so good.
As we’re gathering with like-minded individuals, we see our good friend Sue who just got back from a trip across Europe. Which just goes to prove that simply because you’re totally into freebies doesn’t mean you’re cheap or uncultured.
Then, the ladies voice echoed through the prime rib and filet honor guards that surround her like silent sentinels.
“So who here has heard of the Ginsu kife?”
Um, you mean the knife that never dulls and can cut through copper pipes and still slice an onion so fine that it cries?
Yeah, I’ve heard of it. And you now have my full attention.
“Well, I know you all want your free item…”
Damn right lady.
“…but I want to show you something first. It’s the last knife you’ll ever need to buy.”
Bold words. You obviously don’t know about my need to have enough knives to survive 10 apocalyptic events and still have some left over to enjoy my mutant zombie cow burgers.
“You see this hammer?”
“I’m going to cut it like a snitch that needs some stitches.”
She then proceeded to cut into a goddamn hammer with a kitchen knife. Like, sawed right into it.
Then she cut a tomato with the grace of a swan wearing pearls and drinking champagne at a ball.
Very impressive. Sue bought the package which I was very interested in, but Dixie needs some new Corgi sweaters for winter and I’m watching our spending. But Sue being Sue, she totally gave us one of her knives. So I spent most of the weekend using it to chop firewood. Thanks Sue!
“But what about the free item?”
Glad you asked.
IT’S A RAZOR SCREW THING THAT CAN MAKE POTATOES LIKE THESE (uniform not included):
So yeah, I’m pretty stoked about the whole thing.