So as I’ve said before on this blog, I’m a bit of a nerd.
And not the cool kind that can like make robots and super cool stuff. I’m the kind that can tell you that Gandalf’s sword name is Glamdring (Foe-hammer for those that don’t speak Sindarin) and that Iceman is classified as an omega-level mutant.
It’s a miracle that I have a wife.
So know that I THOROUGHLY enjoy a good fantasy novel. As I’ve become very familiar with the tropes and arcs of the fantasy novel, I’ve started to see some parallels between our world and the worlds of make-believe. So let me show you how today’s current events would make the best fantasy novel of all time.
An ancient threat rises in the east…
Come on, it’s like ISIS purposely named themselves to fit most sinisterly in a fantasy novel. And on top of that, they are so evil its almost cartoonish at this point. Which is great (horrible?) for a book like this. You can’t have readers sympathizing with the Orc that just took an arrow to the eye. ISIS is just straight evil with no chance of a redemption arc. It literally could not be better. This way, when our hero surfaces and kills droves of them with his magical flute-sword, we will cheer with no qualms about it.
The oceans swell and swallow the Earth
The oceans are rising fast, threatening to drown cities in a deluge of reckoning. Some say it’s God cleansing his failures, other say it’s our own doing. Me? I think Poseidon is still pissed about that BP incident and that one time I peed in the ocean when I was a kid.
The Leviathan echoes in the deep
Every self-respecting fantasy novel needs to have a mysterious sea monster. Something mentioned in between the lines of the page. That beast that stirs. Think about it, even the Bible has one! And in our world? Let me introduce you to The Bloop. One of the loudest sounds ever recorded in the ocean. It was so loud it was audible 5,000 kilometers away. The kicker? The sound has similarities to those vocalized by living organisms. CTHULHU WAKES.
The Empire is collapsing
Love or hate America, it has been the great empire of the modern world. Connecting cultures, expanding and bringing forth advancements not thought possible before. But of course, this is a fantasy novel and any good fantasy novel needs to have a decaying empire. America is winding down. It’s once full coffers are now empty, it’s great cities of old are now wastelands filled with bandits and sickness (Detroit anyone?) and our government is abusing our rights and their powers. Who will save us?
The world searches for a hero
But no one is stepping up to the plate.
Because the world is filled with giants waiting to crush and gnash and grind you down. Waiting for you to do nothing. To say nothing. To think nothing. And eventually, one day you’ll be walking home and you’ll finally feel nothing. Lightless and lacking. You’ll walk home, sleep, wake and start all over again.
But it’s not too late. You can accomplish wonders. All you need to do is become that hero – because if not you, who will?
Personally? My monies on Ron Paul finding a cache of high-tech weapons and gear and taking down our blighted system single-handed. They’ll be lens flairs, doves and me crying in happiness the whole time.