This past weekend my wife took me to go see “The Fault In Our Stars”, you know, the cancer movie that wasn’t written by Nicolas Sparks.
I’d consider myself the type of man that inspires most advertisers when they need an emotionally clueless character oblivious to whatever is ailing their spouse. It’s a talent of mine. What this means is that when people cry around me, I usually just get uncomfortable, annoyed, or embarrassed for them. Emotion isn’t one of my strong points.
But hot damn if this movie didn’t get the closest to making me feel something since my dog passed away (one of the 3 acceptable circumstances for making a man cry. The others? Seeing the Grand Canyon and Holding the Stanley Cup above your head).
So here are some thoughts for keeping that emotion where it belongs. Buried deep inside of you.
- Whiskey barrels
- Bench press
- The smell of the gyms shower
- That white mold that appears on coffee grounds when you don’t clean it for a week
- The “Where’s the beef” old lady
- Chihuahua’s chasing you
- Playing as Kirby on Super Smash Bros 64
- New car smell
- Those super loud biodegradable Lays Chip bags that everyone hated
- Glade plugins
- The dream where you forgot your pants at school/realized that you’ve forgotten about that one class the entire semester
Just keep running through the list throughout the entire movie. With any luck, you’re girl will still think of you the way nature intended. An emotionless slab of grunts.