Call it fate or call it bad planning.
I married a girl two feet shorter than me.
Why you ask? Mostly because I thought she was very attractive and really good with money. Financial responsibility is very important in a mate. As is killer good looks. And the ability to binge watch shows on Netflix as you develop your own gravitational pull from the weight you’ve amassed from eating Oreos and Chinese food. But here are some things that I had no idea I was signing up for.
1) Constant back pains.
All you normal couples (or as I just now started calling them, Nouples) have no idea what it’s like have to bend down 24 inches every time you want to give your person a kiss. Or a hug. Or to pick them up and move them out of the way when they’re being difficult and wont let you into the kitchen to get a snack until you’ve folded laundry. It’s brutal and her little kid hands are too weak to produce any sort of massage relief.
2) The Stares.
Is she his little sister? Is he kidnapping her? Why does it look like an orangutan holding hands with a puffin? Wherever you walk, people will stare at your height difference. “That’s adorable” some will say, or “Why do short girls always steal the tall guys!”. But most are just curious how we coexist without me accidentally running her over. The answer? I make her wear bells in the house so I know where she is at all times.
3) Being used as a human infomercial “Gopher”
“Hey Ryan, can you reach that for me?” is something I hear every single day of my life. I’m even brought shopping for the sole purpose of reaching the top rack of clothes that she’d normally have to ask the workers to use the pole to get. I’d feel used if it didn’t give me a glimmer of purpose in life that I so desperately crave.
4) House modifications
You know all of those cool DIY projects you’ll see on Pinterest? Now imagine spending all that time making them and having your wife make you install it about 12 inches too short for you to ever use or enjoy it. Same goes with everyday household items. I just LOVE our munchkin proportioned necklace, scarf, sunglass holder bar thing. You know what’s the best thing ever? Trying to take a shower with the water hitting you at the bottom of your rib cage.
5) Short does not equal taking up less space
I’m 6 foot 6. Katie’s 4 foot 11 (okay I get it, not EXACTLY two feet). We have two couches. One is about seven feet long, the other about five feet. Guess which one she always takes? Apparently, having three unused feet of extra space is paramount for her. Me? I get to practice yoga-esque contortions on the five foot couch. Why don’t I move her? That brings me into my final point…
6) Short people have superpowers
There’s a reason short people still exist and haven’t been replaced by us tall folk. They have superpowers. Katie can actively alter her density if I try to pick her up when she doesn’t want to be moved. I’m talking what feels to be a 50 pound difference. She does this at will. She can also pinch a much larger human into submission and has developed the ability to stare down an oak tree. You’ve been warned…
In closing, short people are people too. They just have to try harder.