5 Things You Need To Watch Mad Men With

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I’m a simple man who has simple rules while watching my favorites TV shows. For example – when I watch The Walking Dead I have to have a firearm or sword within arms reach, and when watching Breaking Bad there has to be crystalized candy and a periodic table that I can snort it off of nearby.

Like I said, I’m a simple creature.

But with Mad Men, I need more than just sugar highs and weaponry. I need to transport myself to a time when being male, white and moderately well off meant something (this is sarcasm for those of you who are dumb). So here are my must have items/companions for watching Mad Men.

1. An Old Fashioned

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Nothing says “I’m classy as shit” as the drink your grandpa always smelled like when he passed out while watching The Masters. It’s perfect. It’s the drink to choose when you need  to convince people that you are, in fact, a man. A man who pays taxes and has an opinion on vaguely political stuff while wearing only the finest discount suits from Macy’s as you practice the furrowed brow look that says, “You’re close to displeasing me” with nothing more than your untrimmed eyebrows that your wife hates.

2 oz bourbon whiskey
2 dashes Angostura bitters
1 splash water
1 tsp sugar
1 maraschino cherry
1 orange wedge with 5 oz of stern gazing and verbal abuse

2. A Women

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You should definitely find one of these strange and beautiful creatures to watch this show with. Mainly due to the fact that you’ll be drooling over all the amazing suits and shinny hair that your hairline will never allow you to pull off and will need a reminder that there’s more to life than glorious suits. The suits are simply the bridge to the women. Embrace the suit, but never forget it’s purpose.

The show will also make you look much more stable. For every paramore that Don takes on, you forgetting to scrub the pulp off of the juicer or washing your wife’s new shirt with the price tags still on it looks less and less like a big deal.

3. Male Privilege

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Come into this show with the realization that, by birthright and facial hair, you will inherit the world that has been made in your image. And that image is glorious suits.

Bask in a show that revels in this concept.

(again, for slow people, sarcasm) 

4. Steno Notebook

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This is for you to try your hand at copywriting b/c if Peggy can do, you should too right?

Here’s your assignment. You have 90 characters to inform millennial Mom’s with a yearly income between $68,000-$92,000  who view themselves as cultural beacons amongst their friend group about a new, health conscious, cereal that’s really just genetically modified Yak tears, that can also reverse aging (not approved by the FDA).

WATCH OUTS: must include legal disclaimer (30 characters), price (3 characters), website URL (25 characters) and the tagline provided by the clients 13 year old daughter (20 characters).

So with those 12 characters, combine the above into a intelligible sentence and make it sexy.

5. Art Boards Detailing How You’ll Never Have That Much Swag

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Frame one:

A man; young-ish, handsome in an awkward and not-obvious-at-all way; enters a suit store and buys a classic 1950s hat.

Frame two:

Man places hat on head. All women ever, instantly disappear from his life.

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